Maximillion

Maximillion
I DEFINITELY SMELL SOMETHING

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

strangeRS MEETINGs

Everyone has been in awkward situations with strangers at one time or another in their lives.  I've found myself in too many of them to count but that might just be me.

Example One:

I always respond to people talking into their bluetooths (blueteeth?).  It doesn't matter to me in the least that this person is a complete stranger.  Apparently, I just assume everyone, even strangers, feel the need to speak with me. 

Me:  "Clearly, when God made me, he was showing off"  (I don't really feel this way but based on the frequency of these incidents in my day to day life, some part of me really does believe this.)

Usually Occasionally, it will take a few back and forth responses before I realize they aren't speaking to me.  I bet you think I would find this embarrassing, right?  Nope.  Instead, I am able to deem them inferior in some way for having the bluetooth in the first place.  Then I walk away irritated with them for being too self-absorbed.
WHAT A DOUCHE


Example Two:

This particular incident occurred a few weeks ago and backs my theory that complete strangers really DO feel the need to speak with me.

Me:  "Well, here I am.  What were your other two wishes?"  (I don't really believe this about myself but sometimes, when I reflect on past events, I wonder.)

I'm in the grocery store and luckily I have not been distracted by any bluetooth shoppers. An older lady walks up to me.  (She wasn't old.  Just older than me and I enjoy pointing that out, whenever possible.)

Older Lady:  "Hi, Laura! (big hug). I haven't seen you in forever! (cheek kisses).  You have really changed."

Me: "Um, I'm not Laura."

Older Lady:  "What?  Oh my goodness, you even changed your name!"

Me:  "Did the voices in your head tell you to come talk to me?"  (I didn't say that to her.  I didn't say anything.  I just started to back away instead.  I mean, she seemed like a nice enough person.  She was kind of like a candy bar: half sweet / half nuts.)

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU FONDLY,  MADGE

This is normal for me.  Strangers really DO want to talk to me.  That lady wasn't crazy.  She was just an unsuspecting pawn in the stranger / me circle.  Her being off her "meds" only made her more susceptible than most, that's all.

Example Three:

The drunken guy trying to get lucky at a table full of women.  This scenario is pretty common and I would imagine it is an international phenomenon, transcending borders more fluidly than a pandemic originating at the Olympics.

In my world, the guy would sway over to our table, ogling us with his bloodshot eyes, not in a "you're looking fine" kind of way but more in a "you'll do" kind of way and begin whatever jumbled pick up line he would be able to string together in his pickled brain. 

His eyes would connect with mine and he would say, "When I saw you from across the room, I stumbled and hit my head on the bar...so I'm going to need your information for insurance reasons."

With my luck, he would turn out to be an attorney during his more lucid phases so I scramble for a solution.  Maybe this is his way of getting lucky but it won't work on me ("I'm a married woman", I say in relief righteous honor of my marital vows).  But, maybe I could convince one of my friends that he might be worth pursuing.

Me:  "Come on, Tracy.  Just look at him.  He MUST have a nice personality and you know, at this time of night, handsome is only a light switch away."

Surprisingly, she didn't go for it.

LADIES, ALL THIS COULD BE YOURS FOR ONE LOW, LOW PRICE

11 comments:

  1. @ Sherilin...mmmm, very yummy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. OMG that belly looks like there's a nine month fetus inside! I think I felt my uterus throb with envy!
    My gawd you're hilarious!
    And I'm always drawn here by your cute little profile cartoon lady! Ok, so she looks like she's been through better days, but come on, totally relatable!

    ReplyDelete
  3. hey where did you get that picture of my dad?

    ReplyDelete
  4. we must be kindred spirits cos I get this kind of thing all the time too!

    As for that pic, I don't fancy yours much! lol

    ReplyDelete
  5. You mean I get two MORE wishes? Sweet!

    What really annoys me is when you're talking to someone on one of those headsets & you think they're responding to you when, all the time, they're on a call.

    ReplyDelete
  6. @ Sandra...throbbing uteruses and true life cartoons, you are my kind of girl!

    @ MM's Wife...ummmm, I ahhhh, found it?

    @ lyndy...if we are truly kindred spirits, my heart goes out to you. That pic represents the BETTER end of the spectrum ;D

    @ Vinny...yep, two more, just for you. And, not surprisingly, that annoying situation happens to me all the time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think we should donate used, non-functioning Blueteeth to carzy, homeless people. That way, when they are standing on the streetcorner arguing the Eisenhower stole their chesterfield, they won't look like they are talking with themselves.

    ReplyDelete
  8. @ Trooper...that's the best idea I've heard in a very long time. Human ingenuity at its finest

    ReplyDelete
  9. After seeing the last picture I forgot what you wrote and kind of threw up in my mouth. I'm going to go back and giggle over the Candy Bar (half sweet/half nuts) woman so I can get that image out of my head!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. @ Phoenix...sorry about that. The last picture should have come with a warning and instructions.

    ReplyDelete