Maximillion

Maximillion
I DEFINITELY SMELL SOMETHING

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Promises. Promises.

Recently, I promised myself I would write more often.  I am fully aware that hasn't been the case.  I've made a lot of promises to myself in the past year and to others as well.  I haven't really kept those either.  I could blame the loss of my husband last year, the move to a new house and the financial and emotional abandonment of the old one, the pending bankruptcy due to astronomical medical bills while Hubby was in critical care, or even my own ever worsening crappy health ...Yep, I could point my finger at any of those things or all of them, but it wouldn't be true.

The reason I've failed to follow through is because I didn't really mean it.  I say what I say, I do what I do, I promise what you want to hear from me but I'm just going through the motions.  I don't have good days and bad days.  I have bad days and days when I feel nothing at all...depressing huh?

But this past week or so, something changed.

Last year, my life was altered so drastically, I've felt as though I haven't been able to catch my breath ever since, but last week...I heard myself sigh.  I could feel the air filling my lungs, all the way to the bottom.  I know it isn't much but I am starting to feel again.  I hadn't realized how numb I'd become.

Why the change?  My baby girl, at 19 yrs old, gave birth to her own little girl last week.  She's beautiful, healthy and she's my granddaughter.  At 41, I became a widow and my whole world blew apart.  Now at 42, I became a grandmother and somehow, my world, though still a wasteland, might possibly be rebuilt.  This tiny little baby with her grabby fingers, soft delicate skin, hungry cries, and poopy diapers has brought me hope.

So I will make new promises, about writing more, caring more, doing more...And I will try my best to keep them.  But, if nothing else, I will never forget the moment I saw my precious little grandchild for the first time and how suddenly I could breathe again.  I will never forget how that little baby was able to reach past everything right to my heart..I PROMISE.

Welcome to the family, baby Nari!  That's right...they named her after me.


She has ten little fingers too!





21 comments:

  1. Crap. You made me cry.
    Congratulations Nari! Please please start posting again, and if writing is too much, just put up pics of that baby girl!

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  2. Ahh...the curves life can throw us...good, bad and otherwise. I know your pain, we lost our son in 2003 and I thought there was nothing left. And then...yada yada. Things change, hope renews and life goes on. Does it feel like we are betraying those we lost...maybe. Does it give us a reason to carry on...one can only hope. All the best to you and your blessed reason for renewal.

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    1. Thanks. I am hopeful for just that...carrying on.

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  3. you're so young. you have so much life still and i suspect much of it will wonderful once you wade through the rough patches. you're a beautiful person and i know you're going to be a fantabulous grandma. do you have a special grandma name? nananari? mimi? gramnut? oh wait, that last one is just for my mother in law.

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    1. No special name yet but I will gladly take any and all suggestions.

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  4. *TEAR*. I'm SO happy for you. Congratulations on meeting your granddaughter, the one who has made you feel again, and who will give you the breath to write again.

    I think you've really touched me with your writing. I only found you shortly before your hiatus, but I am so glad that you're back. I look forward to many stories of you and your Nari. Her name did it for me. What a wonderful, complete story, that is just beginning...

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    1. Thank you so much. I enjoy your writing as well. It always manages to touch me.

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  5. Life has a way of heaping on the suckiness... but, every now and again, it makes up for it.

    Congrats, Nari. Something tells me you and baby Nari are really lucky to have each other.

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    1. Life really does suck at times but I do feel lucky to have my little Nari. I have a feeling your luck will be changing soon as well. Something great must be on its way to you career-wise based on all of the crap you've had to wade through.

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  6. I am glad you're feeling again. I can't imagine what your pain has been like, and I'm so happy for you that you have a new little person in your life to love and enjoy.

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    1. I'm grateful for that too. The return of my emotions is kind of difficult to handle but I have to believe it's better than being numb.

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    1. Thank you. Hmmmm....grandmummy is kind of cute

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  8. Congratulations on a new member of the family. You know, here in the Philippines, when one loses a family member, for sure there is one that arrives, or vice versa :) Blessings!

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    2. I guess that's true for my family as well. Thanks.

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  9. Life is so hard sometimes. It's not til you have that defining moment that you realise that you haven't been breathing properly at all. Congratulations on the birth of baby Nari. I just know that she will be beautiful inside and out, just like her Granny (as we say in Scotland) :)

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    1. Thanks! Granny, huh? I'll think on that one.

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  10. Congrats!

    I have typed and erased four times now... I can't find the right words, so I'll leave it at that.

    (((HUGS)))

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    1. Thanks. You always give the best hugs ;)

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