Promises. Promises.

Recently, I promised myself I would write more often.  I am fully aware that hasn't been the case.  I've made a lot of promises to myself in the past year and to others as well.  I haven't really kept those either.  I could blame the loss of my husband last year, the move to a new house and the financial and emotional abandonment of the old one, the pending bankruptcy due to astronomical medical bills while Hubby was in critical care, or even my own ever worsening crappy health ...Yep, I could point my finger at any of those things or all of them, but it wouldn't be true.

The reason I've failed to follow through is because I didn't really mean it.  I say what I say, I do what I do, I promise what you want to hear from me but I'm just going through the motions.  I don't have good days and bad days.  I have bad days and days when I feel nothing at all...depressing huh?

But this past week or so, something changed.

Last year, my life was altered so drastically, I've felt as though I haven't been able to catch my breath ever since, but last week...I heard myself sigh.  I could feel the air filling my lungs, all the way to the bottom.  I know it isn't much but I am starting to feel again.  I hadn't realized how numb I'd become.

Why the change?  My baby girl, at 19 yrs old, gave birth to her own little girl last week.  She's beautiful, healthy and she's my granddaughter.  At 41, I became a widow and my whole world blew apart.  Now at 42, I became a grandmother and somehow, my world, though still a wasteland, might possibly be rebuilt.  This tiny little baby with her grabby fingers, soft delicate skin, hungry cries, and poopy diapers has brought me hope.

So I will make new promises, about writing more, caring more, doing more...And I will try my best to keep them.  But, if nothing else, I will never forget the moment I saw my precious little grandchild for the first time and how suddenly I could breathe again.  I will never forget how that little baby was able to reach past everything right to my heart..I PROMISE.

Welcome to the family, baby Nari!  That's right...they named her after me.

She has ten little fingers too!