Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I'm Okay

My family and friends are concerned about me.  I understand why but I don't know what to do to reassure them.  When asked, "How are you doing?"  I answer as honestly as I can, "I'm doing okay."  It doesn't seem to be enough and everyone seems to feel as though I'm either brushing over things for their benefit or for my own.

The truth is, I'm okay.  I'm not good, I'm not fine, I'm just okay.

Am I sad?  You bet I'm sad.  I'm lonely and I mourn the loss of my Hubby every single day.  I find myself having a hard time catching my breath.  I take a lot of deep breaths but I don't seem to ever get enough air.  After work, I rush home as fast as I can.  I feel a mild flutter of panic as I drive and as soon as I open the door and come inside, I am overcome with a huge sense of emptiness that falls over me like a thick blanket that was left out in the rain overnight.  I shiver and I can't breathe.

Am I functioning?  I am.  I go to work.  I go shopping.  I spend time with my Girls.  I visit my mother.  I occasionally go out with friends.  I pay my bills.  I eat.  I sleep.  I read.  I cry.  I even laugh.  I think I'm functioning quite well.

There are times when I am so overcome with grief that I feel as though I'll crumble to dust under the weight.  There are times when I am so angry at the senselessness of it all that my nerves practically hum with the tension of my fury.  There are times when I encounter a scent or a sound that surrounds me with a sense of peace or happiness so beautiful that I want to laugh and cry at the same time.

I don't think about my future but I do still look forward to my children's futures.  I've lost a lot of my inspiration and desire to write but I still love to read anything and everything I can get my hands on.  I am having a hard time adjusting to not being able to share the mundane moments of each day with my best friend but I still enjoy catching up with my girlfriends when we find the time to get together.

I miss him but I was lucky to have loved him.  His death has given me a lot of tears but his life gave me a lot of laughter.

Well, that's enough of that.  I just wanted to let everyone know that when I say, "I'm okay", this is what I'm saying.

Thank you for caring and checking in on me.


  1. Love you and miss you. It's hard for me too. It's hard being so far away from you. I'm glad you are ok.

  2. @ Just Me...I miss you too and the distance is very, very hard.

  3. "I miss him but I was lucky to have loved him. His death has given me a lot of tears but his life gave me a lot of laughter."
    i think this sentence is really important. you can't live life filled with regrets, so best to be honest about how you feel & also to see that your life was better for having him in it.
    and one day, your life will be better than "okay" again.

  4. Yeah, "I'm okay" sums this up more than adequately. And I am glad you are okay because it means you will be better...

    Hang in there pal!

  5. The woman who moved in next door last month lost her husband last year. They went to sleep one night, and he didn't wake up. He was only 46. Sometimes it's just like that.

    She is also, "Okay". She is just now thinking about going back to work. Her kids (16 and 9) are in therapy. She is loving her new little house, remembering all the things they did in these neighborhoods as teenagers, and slowly moving on.

    She is still "Okay", and there is nothing wrong with that.

    My point?

    It takes as long as it takes, honey. Know that we are all "here" for you if you need us. For now, I am just so happy that you are okay.

  6. Oh girl grieving is so hard because there are so many phases to get through...first there is shock...then profound sadness...then guilt...that is the hardest one because he was so young and you will mourn his loss of the years he had coming..then we move into sister's husband was 46 and perfect...I am not kidding...he died of bone cancer..that was 17 years ago and it feels like yesterday...oh she remarried on the rebound but no one was Bob...she has accepted her loss...but she will never move's ok ...very ok...we all have to live our lives like tomorrow will never you know exactly the impact of that...Eddie was so funny, loving, was friend to male and female and embraced them both...a man's man and a woman's man...I can only imagine how hard it is for you but you have dipped your toe into life's pool and you are coming was time...Eddie would be proud...


  7. You're okay, I'm okay. I won't press you on it. That being said, know that I am still here if you need a shoulder though.

  8. And you will be. Know that your blog buddies are here. xox

  9. Nari, when my nephew died I felt like I was walking through treacle and fluffy clouds. Everything felt so surreal. When my mum died, like you, I was functioning but the pain and the loss would come in waves and was enough to take my breath away. Loss is loss and each minute is different from the next, getting through each one is an achievement in itself. I think at the stage you are at doing ok is the best anyone can ask. X

  10. You've been through, and are still going through, a major life change, so 'feeling okay' is okay.

    You didn't ask to be a widow, particularly at such a young age, any more than I did, but you'll adapt. Because you have to. The saying 'time is a great healer' still makes me swear when I hear it - but what time will do is allow you to adjust to your new, unwanted, un-asked for life.

    You will always miss him and the life you should have had together, but it does get easier. I promise.

    Once again, 'feeling okay' is good enough.

  11. I am so glad you wrote this, mourning is such a personal experience.

  12. @ Sherilin...thanks for the encouragement

    @ Nikki...I'm hanging in, I promise. I have the raggedy fingernails to prove it.

    @ Julianna...I don't know if I'll ever get passed okay but I'm okay with that too.

    @ lynda...thanks for sharing that with me. And thanks for understanding how important and irreplaceable he wa sand is in my life.

    @ Vinny...thanks. I have a feeling you have some of the best shoulders out there.

  13. @ Nubian...thanks. I've never needed you guys more.

    @ lyndy...I do try to celebrate each minute I get through because it truly does feel like an achievement.

    @ Bub...thanks so much. I'm going to take your personal experience, your wisdom and your promise and I'm going to cling to them for dear life.

    @ usual, you always get it. Thanks for understanding how personal and how difficult this was for me to write.

  14. glad you are "OK", it is better than the alternative and does get better than ok,eventually.

    Bub wrote : The saying 'time is a great healer' still makes me swear when I hear it - but what time will do is allow you to adjust to your new, unwanted, un-asked for life.

    I agree. And like Lindy, when my mum died, I was "ok" for well over a year or so.there are times that it will hit me again,like Gemmas wedding, but on the whole its not RAW anymore.

    Hang in there , big hug (((((((nari)))))))))) wait.... is that snot on my shoulder????????

  15. @ IWBY...I am definitely looking forward to a time when my emotions aren't quite so readily accessible. Oh, and sorry about your shirt. I ran out of tissues.

  16. I don't even know what to say. Your words were beautiful. But I am sad for you, even if you are ok.

  17. Grieving has its own schedule.
    All I can say is that we're here.

  18. @ don't have to say anything. I just needed to get that out.

    @ AC...Being there is more than I feel the right to ask. So, thanks.

  19. Nari, I was scouring all over your page to check if I can privately email you. I read your comment earlier and I am truly sorry for what has happened. I will only respond as much as I can in a comment box as well. I wanted to say more but you already know this. I pray for your strength :)

  20. @ Mice...I don't have a private Email at this time but thats so much for what your comment and especially for the more that you wanted to say.

  21. I have nothing that hasn't been said, but I think it's worth repeating that your grief is yours.. that you need to work through it your way and that it's okay for it to take as long as it takes. I am sorry for your loss.