My family and friends are concerned about me. I understand why but I don't know what to do to reassure them. When asked, "How are you doing?" I answer as honestly as I can, "I'm doing okay." It doesn't seem to be enough and everyone seems to feel as though I'm either brushing over things for their benefit or for my own.
The truth is, I'm okay. I'm not good, I'm not fine, I'm just okay.
Am I sad? You bet I'm sad. I'm lonely and I mourn the loss of my Hubby every single day. I find myself having a hard time catching my breath. I take a lot of deep breaths but I don't seem to ever get enough air. After work, I rush home as fast as I can. I feel a mild flutter of panic as I drive and as soon as I open the door and come inside, I am overcome with a huge sense of emptiness that falls over me like a thick blanket that was left out in the rain overnight. I shiver and I can't breathe.
Am I functioning? I am. I go to work. I go shopping. I spend time with my Girls. I visit my mother. I occasionally go out with friends. I pay my bills. I eat. I sleep. I read. I cry. I even laugh. I think I'm functioning quite well.
There are times when I am so overcome with grief that I feel as though I'll crumble to dust under the weight. There are times when I am so angry at the senselessness of it all that my nerves practically hum with the tension of my fury. There are times when I encounter a scent or a sound that surrounds me with a sense of peace or happiness so beautiful that I want to laugh and cry at the same time.
I don't think about my future but I do still look forward to my children's futures. I've lost a lot of my inspiration and desire to write but I still love to read anything and everything I can get my hands on. I am having a hard time adjusting to not being able to share the mundane moments of each day with my best friend but I still enjoy catching up with my girlfriends when we find the time to get together.
I miss him but I was lucky to have loved him. His death has given me a lot of tears but his life gave me a lot of laughter.
Well, that's enough of that. I just wanted to let everyone know that when I say, "I'm okay", this is what I'm saying.
Thank you for caring and checking in on me.