Dear God:
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
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| Somebody has to clean it up. I am completely misunderstood and my efforts continually go unappreciated. |
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
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| But it is MY sofa |
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
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| Oh but he is and I WILL be keeping my eyes on you, Trashy! |
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
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| I thought it was mine. How was I supposed to know? Look at how they dress me. |
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
9. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
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| Unless of course it itches and then all bets are off. |
10. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
11. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
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| But it is a very VERY funny thing. |
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
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| Talk about emasculating! It's a wonder I'm as well behaved as I am. |
Awwww.....he looks so cute....
ReplyDelete@ Caterpillar...he is an adorable spoiled little boy who runs the house like a tyrant.
ReplyDeletethis is awesome... Love it!
ReplyDeleteIf I had my balls removed and was not allowed to lick my crotch I would be a tyrant too....oh by the way...do you know why I lick my crotch...because I can....there ya go Chuey a defense worthy of F.Lee Bailey....oh wait he was disbarred...never mind
ReplyDeleteby the way...AfineWhine is Lyndalabine...don't tell anyone... :)
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous...Thanks for the compliment.
ReplyDelete@ Lynda...your secret is safe with me and I'll let Chuey know that he has sympathizers.
I guess I should make sure I am not a dog that thinks he's human. After reading your list I am starting to think maybe the first time tied to a bumper before the car drives away might have been an accident, but probably not every week is accidental.
ReplyDeleteThis was funny, but if I was a dog I now feel bad for my owners :)
@ Who... I have two dogs (one of which has been immortalized here) AND two cats and though I love them dearly, I admittedly have some self-pity issues. I am also the biggest enabler in my household ;)
ReplyDeleteI think my dogs think the same as yours does. Very funny especially the carpet dragging... which really isn't fun when they do it, but is hysterical when you read about it.
ReplyDelete@ Nubian...I used to think it was just the cats who laughed at me behind my back but I realize now how naive I truly used to be. I am clearly being laughed at and manipulated by my cats, my dogs and my daughters. My Hubby is clearly the only one that is worse off than I am but he isn't nearly as self-aware so he continues to reside at the corner of bliss and ignorance...wish I was there sometimes.
ReplyDelete