Maximillion

Maximillion
I DEFINITELY SMELL SOMETHING

Friday, February 25, 2011

Weak Ends

When I was young but old enough, my weekends usually began on a Thursday and lingered into Monday afternoon.  The work week, though admittedly much shorter for me per my previous statement, always seemed unbearably long and excruciatingly boring.  I yearned for the excitement and freedom that was synonymous with weekends. 

Looking back on those times, my weekdays consisted of making plans, arranging transportation and picking out clothes for the coming weekend.  The work week would be a blur of tediousness and the thought of it would leave me with an ache in the pit of my stomach, wondering if this monotony would forever be my lot in life.  The weekends being my only solace, the only sustenance in my life.  (I was quite fatalistic back then)

I would stay out until dawn, drinking and dancing and when the sun broke into the fun, it was time to head home, change into daytime wear and go to the lake or the mountains or the desert for the day.  At sunset, we would head home and change once again for another round of the debauchery which comes when youthful desires and the first tastes of freedom are combined in a cocktail more potent than anything available at any club or bar.  This went on nonstop until the work week returned.  There was no recovery day, no need for rest, just a never ending cycle of sensation.

I had lost the dreams of childhood, both for a successful career and for making a difference in the world.  My goals had become much easier to obtain.  A good buzz, a good dance club, and good friends to enjoy it with.  I had good intentions initially but my first night out blew those intentions right out of the water, leaving them lying on the shore, not even twitching unless you watched them very, very closely.  You know what they say, "Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."

I wonder how my Girls will meet the world.  That time is approaching rapidly, causing night sweats and sudden panic whenever that reality decides to come bubbling to the surface of my consciousness.  I have tried to teach them as much as I can but the fear for their futures paralyzes me.  When I tell my Mom how I'm feeling, she reminds me that all a parent can do is give their children the tools they need to succeed, hope for the best and make sure to lay out a safety net, just in case. 

Upon reflection, I realize they will probably do a better job of it then I did.  I'm pretty sure I survived by sheer luck or a very diligent guardian angel.  I'm certainly not the same person I was in my twenties and though I can look upon my former self with fondness, I don't want that life back and I don't imagine she would much care for mine. 

These days, my weekends are much more tame and my biggest desire is to try to work in a nap at some point in the next couple of days.  Strangely, this doesn't bother me in the least.  My life contains a rhythm, a melody composed by myself and the people I love.  It's not the life I dreamed of in my childhood, my teens or even into my twenties but it's my song and I sing it with gratitude.

Enjoy your weekend.

14 comments:

  1. i used to think that "older" people who hung out at home & didn't party on the weekends were dull & boring and were probably jealous of all the fun i was having with my friends & all the menfolk i hung out with. i couldn't even imagine a time when that kind of calm life could be satisfying, but here i am at 35 & it's what i choose, not what i'm stuck with.

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  2. @ Sherilin...I'm glad to know I'm not alone. My Girls tend to be on the first end of that point of view at 18 & 19 yrs old. But at the same time, if I have plans to go out on a weekend, they act very put out that I would dare to have a life that fails to revolve around them.

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  3. I am sure your daughters will do well, with you to guide them...

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  4. @ cat...thanks for the encouragement

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  5. I think that time of life is a rite of passage for most, barring the most acedemically diligent?
    sunshine,music,nightclubs,alcohol and hormones is an intoxicating mix!!!

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  6. I just hope the after 12 failblog is still around when I have teenagers. I plan to make them look at every single photo of every single loser passed out in one or more of the three "p"s. Meanwhile I'll be hovering over their shoulders saying "now picture that as you".

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  7. I read somewhere this week that if your memories of the past made you smile, it means you've grown up. It sounds like you are smiling from the past to present and future here, with gratitude and the eloquence of maturity. Well done!

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  8. @ IWBY...I think you're right but I have a hard time when it comes to thinking of my "babies" living it.

    @ tatty...I've been doing the same thing with my Girls, hopefully it worked as a warning but not as a blockade.

    @ Shopgirl...as usual, your positive spirit brings out the best in my post. Thanks.

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  9. I know exactly what you mean. Weekends are for chilling and spending time with people you love, says me who used to be such a party animal!

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  10. @ lindy...chilling with loved ones is my greatest joy these days. Though I can still party with the best of them, one night is about all I can handle and then two days of recovery. As the country songs says, "I'm not as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was."

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  11. The fact that you worry is a good start. I know many parents out there who are dropping the ball with their children.

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  12. @ Vinny...I excel at worrying to the point where I'm pretty sure my soon to be empty nest will have to come with a prescription for valium. I definitely haven't dropped the ball. I just hope I'm able to let go of the ball so they can have it when the time comes.

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  13. Your daughters will find their way through life, just as we have done. Yes, they'll make mistakes, just as we have done, but they'll learn from them.

    As a loving parent you've given them your knowledge, and instilled in them what's right and wrong - you have to trust that they'll apply what you've equipped them with.

    As a loving parent, you have to step back, set them free, watch them fly and be proud of them. If they falter along the way, they know where you are.

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