Thursday, January 13, 2011

Confessions of a Glutton

(Warning:  This post could be offensive and definitely contains naked animal pictures)

I was sitting at my desk with nothing to do and I decided to post something on my blog.  The only problem...what to write?  My mind was blank, which is not really that unusual for me.  And then it came to me.  I would use this time to cleanse my tainted soul.  So I started typing, right after I watched that YouTube video with the Baby Monkey riding backwards on a Pig.  I just can't get enough of that one.

The Holidays were followed by the Playoffs and will culminate with the Superbowl and thus, in my world this means a lot of binge eating both due to stress and just plain old gluttony.

Not just a mild case of gluttony either.  I am talking about GLUTTONY as in one of the Seven Sins.  Once I gave in to those irresistible Sirens of Cholesterol and Cellulite, I began eating every sweet, fatty, thigh-thickening, ass-spreading, heart-squashing morsel I could get my now swollen (due to water retention from the massive salt intake) fingers on.  I finally reached the point where I was scoring random goodies from very questionable sources.

Once I realized how far gone I was, I did the only thing my greasy, chocolate coated brain could come up with.  I began drinking heavily.

It seemed like such a good idea at first.  I was the life of the party.  I mean, who doesn't like animal impressions?  Especially ducks, right?  That's what I thought.  Ducks are damn funny.

I suspected I was losing control of myself.  And it was NOT a pretty picture.

I started going to Karaoke bars and I wasn't singing, I was rapping!    In case you were wondering, this homegirl can NOT pull that kind of thing off.  There was absolutely no mojo working in me and I'm about as street as the Back Street Boys.  The worst part...I wasn't just screwing around, I was acting as if this was the launching of a new career for me.

Then, to make matters worse.  I was approached by a police officer.  I wasn't driving so I wasn't sure what the problem was.  I mean, I live in Vegas, the term Public Drunkenness is a marketing slogan around here.  Still, you can't be too careful so I threw a couple of breath mints in my mouth and asked the girl next to me to check my breath.

It didn't work.  The problem, the officer informed me, was that I was not at a karaoke bar, I was in a church.  It was 10 in the morning and I had walked in and disrupted the services by grabbing the microphone from the minister and asking the organ player to play some Fifty Cents for me.  Yeah, that's how I pronounced it.  I then began to rap to my hearts content.  That's when I spotted the officer and snagged some communion wafers and shoved them in my mouth.  I followed this up by grabbing the minister and saying to him, "Girl, check my breath", and proceeded to shove his nose into my mouth.

Shockingly, I was arrested.

I spent the night in the drunk tank wrapped in the arms of a very large and very affectionate young lady by the name of Bertha.

When I was released, I got a glimpse of my mug shot, which I had expected to look like this.   (Eat your heart out you drunken celebrity bitches!)

The actual mugshot was not quite as flattering.

This was actually the photo my Hubby took of me in the car when he came to pick me up.  I'm not sure if he's upset with me or not but this was posted on my wall on Facebook.

Obviously, I was not very proud of myself.

I realized that I couldn't go on in this manner.  I was hurting myself and those close to me.  I needed to make a change.  I called one of my dearest friends and enablers and we talked over coffee.  We did a lot of soul searching and decided it was time to clean up our acts and take back control of our lives.

By the time she left, I felt a lot more like myself again.  I learned a very valuable lesson.  One I would not soon forget.  Lucky for you, I have decided to share this wisdom with you today.

Have as much fun as you can, until someone makes you stop!

I'm hoping I have received absolution, what with all the soul baring and all, but it's pretty doubtful.  So instead I bid you farewell...until next time!

Note:  Just in case Gullible is your middle name, this was a work of fiction...mostly. 


  1. That cat sooo has the right idea! Love these pics.

  2. @ Vinny...I agree. With both statements.

  3. :D :D :d and heeeeheeee for a good mesaure....

  4. @ caterpillar...lots of giggles right back at you

  5. i do always enjoy the crazy animal pictures that wind their way around the interwebs. you used them very cutely!

  6. @ Sherilin...thanks. When I get these types of emails, I always save the pics and use them later. I hate to let them go to waste. It's like virtual recycling!

  7. I hope the rapping in church part was true, if so I am claiming absolute fanhood of your sexy bitch's ass for life! FOR FUCKING LIFE!

    p.s. I normally hate the cute animal thing, but girl you rocked this post like none other, I'm left panting for more oh and I have an award for you!

    my cyber house rules

  8. @ Nikki...that church rapping can be true but only if you really really believe. *an award? for me?* (but I'm not worthy)