Friday, January 28, 2011

Criminal "Mines"

I was watching one of those reality shows, not the Jersey Shore kind but the other kind.  Jersey Shore style stuff gives us a glimpse of society's criminals.  I'm talking about the shows that give us a view of the more traditional form of criminal.  The kind that steal cars, assault people, sell drugs, etc. 

I differentiate the two in the following way, thanks to one year of high school anatomy:  picture a really obese, unwashed person of questionable origin.  On said person, the former would be the armpit and the latter would be the underbelly.  There are similarities.  Both would be unpleasant, to say the least.  The thought of either area would mostly likely induce a certain lip curl of disgust, possibly even some gagging. 

The difference is that when you see a grossly overweight filthy looking person coming your way, you can see the sweat stains under his arms and if he gets too close, you know you're going to get a whiff of those pitts whether the arms are raised or not.  And even if you're completely oblivious of the impending odor, what's the worst that will happen?  You'll have to endure the unpleasantness for a short time and then it'll be over. 
But the underbelly, it's hidden.  It's not something you really think about and you certainly don't expect to ever be confronted with smelling it.  So whether you see this walking soap repellent or not, his underbelly is not likely to cross your mind.  But if you happen to find yourself confronted with that particular area of this person's anatomy, you can pretty much assume you are in BIG trouble.

I'm not picking on the overweight, it's just that skinny people don't have underbellies (they have lower bellies-just not underbellies) and therefore would not have fit my analogy.

Now, I'll get on with what I was saying.  My hubby and I were watching this show in bed last night because this is apparently what we find relaxing right before bedtime and they're showing us a failed prison break.  A few inmates decided to pool their mental resources and stage an escape attempt.  It consisted of breaking through a wall, heading to the visiting room, breaking through the glass and fleeing though the door. 

Needless to say, there were some flaws in their plan.  First of all, rather than just breaking through an outer wall, they actually broke though their cell's inner wall, ending up in the hallway just outside the cell door.  The visiting room does in fact contain glass partitions so the prisoners and visitors can see each other.  Of course, the glass is reinforced being that they have to make sure the prisoners are unable to break the glass.  The door leading out is secured and monitored as is the entire facility, being that the goal is to keep the felons imprisoned within its walls.  In the time it took these demi-gods of the criminal world to work out the issues, the guards were there to secure them and tuck them safely back into a cell, where they await further sentencing.

In an effort to provide some assistance in an area of humanity where common sense is just a controversial hypotheses, I have the following PSA to share:

If for some reason, you have decided to commit an illegal act and need to put together a plan of action, DO NOT go to a convicted criminal for assistance.  They have already proven themselves unsuccessful in that line of business.  Nobody would ask Snookie to be their guide on the journey to a "Second Virginity".

If you need some advice regarding criminal behavior, head to Washington DC, where you will find a wide array of successful criminals, or career politicians as they like to refer to themselves.  They have a much higher success rate.  In fact, they've been blowing smoke up my butt for so long now, you could dip me in barbecue sauce and serve me up at the next tailgate party...

...mmmmm, barbecue.  I think I'll ask my husband to grill some ribs this weekend.  What was I talking about?  Never mind.  I'm going to lunch.


  1. "A few inmates decided to pool their mental resources..." After reading the rest I decided that if they'd poked around in a pool, they probably could have found an amoeba. That amoeba would have had a brain cell. Which is more than they apparently have amongst them. Sheesh.

  2. Sound advice if there ever was. I'd like to add that one should definitely consider successfully completing, at least, a high school (or equivalent) level education before embarking on a life of crime. It's been proven that your chances are greatly improved when you're not a "complete" moron.

  3. @ Bub...compared to those guys, the amoeba is like a member of MENSA

    @ Vinny...clearly this should be listed as PSA #2 for the aspiring criminal mind.

  4. hehehe...I agree with the first half of your advice...the second part...are politicians the same everywhere?

  5. @ caterpillar...I have no personal experience outside the US and Thailand, but...yes, I believe they are.

  6. Great list of advice, we learn so much from TV don't we?

  7. @ Shopgirl...we certainly do. Unfortunately, we also so learn so little.