Friday, January 21, 2011

I've come up with some driving tips, with a little help from the Internet

My children are learning how to drive.  They've had their driving permits for a while and I have been playing the role of driving instructor/ white-knuckled passenger during this time.  I am also an insurance agent and at one time processed insurance claims, including car accidents.

Though you may think, based on my career, that I would be a pretty good choice to give out driving lessons, you would be very, very wrong.  I am a nervous, bossy, pushy passenger.  Add to that the responsibility of having a young inexperienced student driver in my care and well, just multiply my previously revealed passenger personality by 10.

Let's not forget that my poor unsuspecting children are TEENAGERS.  That's right, I used the T-word, blogs aren't monitored by any kind of FCC-like department, are they?  I hope I didn't offend anyone with my language but the strong wording was needed in order to properly portray my blog's state of mind at the time of this post.

Oh yeah, one more thing, I have been self-diagnosed with an extreme case of road rage.  I really shouldn't be allowed to drive around others.  I scream and cuss at every vehicle I encounter and when a driver has the nerve to perform some sort of stupid vehicular maneuver within 10 feet of my vehicle's personal privacy bubble, my brain fills with such gruesome thoughts of bodily harm that it would make Freddy Krueger queasy.

But I love my girls and I have promised to do my best to teach them how to be safe and courteous drivers in my world, which is basically a combination of Nascar maneuvers and military defensive driving skills.  It's a wonder they're willing to get in a car at all.  I guess they don't notice my idiosyncrasies as much, what with all of the eye rolls and sighs of exasperation that are an innate part of the nature of teens worldwide.  It's true!  I saw it on an episode of National Geographic.

I've come up with some driving tips, with a little help from the Internet, that I have printed out for their reference and thought I would share with all of you:

  • It takes over 8,000 bolts to assemble a car but only one nut to take it apart.
  • The best safety device on a vehicle is a rear-view mirror...with a cop in it.
  • A tree only hits a car in self defense.
  • You have to learn to drive in order to really learn how to swear.
  • Anyone driving slower than you are is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac.
  • Life is just too damn short for traffic.
  • Any streetlight that is timed for 35 miles per hour would also be timed for 70 mph.
If any of you happen to see me or one of my girls on the road...sorry about that!

Side note:  If you happen to be the idiot wearing the trucker's cap and driving a red Mustang that cut me off this afternoon when you jumped across two lanes of traffic in order to get into the left turn lane and then appeared genuinely confused when I honked at you and gave you my single-fingered wave of salutation, I saved this little spot on my post just to send a little message your way:

"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance!"

Enjoy your weekend and please drive safely.


  1. your clue musk, mating dance statement is totally bizarre & hilarious! hahaha!
    when i was learning to drive, my mom tried to teach me, but she was too tense, so it became my dad's job & he laid the passenger's seat back flat & didn't watch what i was doing. somehow, that worked pretty well for us.

  2. My uncle gave me driving lessons and realized what I needed best was tricks to develop my self-confidence. So he demonstrated how to do figure 8s in the parking lot in reverse and rammed right into a shopping cart. My self confidence is still lacking...

    ツ my cyber house rules

  3. I refused to take my kids out when they were learning to drive - both for their sake and mine. They both learnt via driving instructors and that worked a treat.

    What they did learn from me though, was how to swear effectively at the a-holes who consider themselves great drivers because they're on the road so much. You know, van drivers, cab drivers etc. Grrr!!

  4. See? This is exactly why I don't have a car. I could never come up with such imaginative insults as your "get a clue" rant.

  5. What is it about the cop in the rear view? I swear, I'm not doing anything wrong, yet still, I wait for the first availible moment to turn off so he can pass me. Weird. ;)

  6. Hahahahaha.

    Love this post. :)

    I'm the kind of passenger who likes to push on the invisible brake pedal...even though I drive like a maniac and get pissed off when people critique my driving.

  7. To adopt the maxim about flying and landing, accelerating is optional, stopping is mandatory. Proceed accordingly!

  8. @ Sherilin, I will give that seat back reclining a try.

    @ Nikki, I can barely reverse out of my driveway without getting whiplash, figure 8's are out of the question.

    @ Bub, I'm good at swearing, they definitely won't be lacking in that department.

    @ Vinny, If you ever need lessons on cussing or insane rants, I'm your girl.

    @ Julianna, I know how you feel. I still get freaked out when I have to go to my girls' school and talk to anyone on the office. Guilt is a powerful thing, even when it's residual or baseless.

    @ Sam, I do the exact same thing. I really think they should install a brake pedal there, just for us.

    @ TT, very true.

  9. I have passenger anxiety, hanging on for grim life with my foot on the imaginary brake. I taught 2 of the 3 to drive as hubby was blind at the time.(though he did give the daughter one lesson)I found it was the sudden grabbing at the door and seat that got them upset. but they passed :)

  10. @ IWBY, mine seem to get upset over the same things. I have to admit that them passing their driving tests is what I fear the most.

  11. eldest chloe rides a motorbike, i just cant let myself think about it.She hit a kangaroo once,luckily managed to stay upright.
    gemma is a good driver no accidents
    danny..uggh hit a tree while avoiding a kangaroo and has hit 2 of them.....all in my car!!
    yes ..we live in the country not the city lol

  12. The only thing stopping my 15-yr old from getting her driver's learning permit is me signing a check. I suffer from Everything Can Kill You Disorder and also My Child Apparently Doesn't Think Before Acting Syndrome. I need to stock up on hair dye before I pay for the permit.

  13. @ IWBY, Being that we live in Las Vegas, at least I don't have to worry about kangaroos. However, I do have to worry about drunken tourists and I have a feeling their brain capacity is lacking in comparison with the kangaroos.

    @ Phoenix, I suffer from the same illnesses. And I have a lifetime supply of hair dye, if you need some.