Though you may think, based on my career, that I would be a pretty good choice to give out driving lessons, you would be very, very wrong. I am a nervous, bossy, pushy passenger. Add to that the responsibility of having a young inexperienced student driver in my care and well, just multiply my previously revealed passenger personality by 10.
Let's not forget that my poor unsuspecting children are TEENAGERS. That's right, I used the T-word, blogs aren't monitored by any kind of FCC-like department, are they? I hope I didn't offend anyone with my language but the strong wording was needed in order to properly portray my blog's state of mind at the time of this post.
Oh yeah, one more thing, I have been self-diagnosed with an extreme case of road rage. I really shouldn't be allowed to drive around others. I scream and cuss at every vehicle I encounter and when a driver has the nerve to perform some sort of stupid vehicular maneuver within 10 feet of my vehicle's personal privacy bubble, my brain fills with such gruesome thoughts of bodily harm that it would make Freddy Krueger queasy.
But I love my girls and I have promised to do my best to teach them how to be safe and courteous drivers in my world, which is basically a combination of Nascar maneuvers and military defensive driving skills. It's a wonder they're willing to get in a car at all. I guess they don't notice my idiosyncrasies as much, what with all of the eye rolls and sighs of exasperation that are an innate part of the nature of teens worldwide. It's true! I saw it on an episode of National Geographic.
I've come up with some driving tips, with a little help from the Internet, that I have printed out for their reference and thought I would share with all of you:
- It takes over 8,000 bolts to assemble a car but only one nut to take it apart.
- The best safety device on a vehicle is a rear-view mirror...with a cop in it.
- A tree only hits a car in self defense.
- You have to learn to drive in order to really learn how to swear.
- Anyone driving slower than you are is an idiot and anyone driving faster is a maniac.
- Life is just too damn short for traffic.
- Any streetlight that is timed for 35 miles per hour would also be timed for 70 mph.
Side note: If you happen to be the idiot wearing the trucker's cap and driving a red Mustang that cut me off this afternoon when you jumped across two lanes of traffic in order to get into the left turn lane and then appeared genuinely confused when I honked at you and gave you my single-fingered wave of salutation, I saved this little spot on my post just to send a little message your way:
"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance!"
Enjoy your weekend and please drive safely.