Friday, January 14, 2011

I think I'm having an identity crisis, astologically speaking

 I don't read my horoscope.  I figure it would do more harm than good.  Can you imagine if I read my horoscope today and it told me a new romantic interest would be coming my way this weekend?  I'm married!  What am I supposed to tell my husband? 

I don't think he would be very understanding when I say, "Honey, I showed you my horoscope.  It's right there in black and white.  It said to "Go for it!" so when that guy wanted to buff my nails for me at the kiosk in the mall, I just knew he was the one, the New Romance Guy."

"You didn't have to grab him by his slicked down hair and try to shove your tongue down his throat."

"Um, what exactly does "Go for it!" mean to you?  And besides, that slicked down hair of his had so much product in it that I slid right off of him and left a bright red skid mark on his cheek.  So I don't see what you're so upset about."

See?  Horoscopes are bad news for me.  I would rather live in blissful ignorance than to allow my actions to be affected by the power of someone else's suggestion. 

I don't ask people their signs, nor do I try to figure it out when I find out someone's birthday.  It's not a major focus in my life...but still...who the hell is Ophiuchus

I've heard the news.  Our signs have shifted because apparently, the moon's gravitational pull has changed where the sun sits at different times of the year.  Hmmm.  When did this happen?  Was it a gradual shifting?  Was I half of a sign at one point?  A combination of two signs?  Had anyone in my family noticed the change in my personality?  Or will this change affect us suddenly at a later date?  Maybe while we're sleeping?  What if it happens suddenly but to different people at different times?  Will there be people running around in the streets screaming that their loved one's have been possessed?

This is why I don't focus too much on these things.  When a little logic is applied, nothing fits right anymore and what used to be fun and entertaining, just...isn't.  Still, I like the character traits associated with my original sign, so I think I'll keep them.

But what's with the thirteenth sign?  Did the moon's gravitational pull manage to yank in another constellation?  Should someone have warned us of exactly how powerful our moon is?  I mean, who's orbiting who here?

This thirteenth sign looks odd to me.  It's a guy wearing a long toga, no shoes and trying to make out with a snake.  It may be a really drunk frat guy but he looks suspiciously like the hobo that hangs out near the convenience store about a block from my house.

Ophiuchus:  Nov 29 to Dec 17

I know the experts have advised us that there used to be thirteen signs until some ancient meeting when they decided they only wanted twelve signs.  (the number is 12...not 13...which is one too many...but 12...not 11 which is one too few...but 12...12 is the number)  Whatever their reasons back then, why would we need to change it now?

Think about all of the books out there regarding the zodiac and star charts and astronomy.  If you're into that kind of thing, you must be pissed.  Can you imagine how much it will cost to replace all of those books?  And what about all the people who have their signs tattooed on them somewhere?  That's gotta be quite the kick in the baby-batter balls, if you ask me.

Nope, my guess is that this is some sort of way to screw with us.  Look at the name of the newly added sign: take out the I (as in Individual, good one huh?) and read it again...Ophuchus.  I rest my case.

In case you haven't seen it, here is the new astrological chart (it's strange but for some reason the website lists it in reverse):

Sagittarius:  Dec 17 to Jan 20
Ophiuchus:  Nov 29 to Dec 17
Scorpio:  Nov 23 to November 20
Libra:  Oct 30 to Nov 23
Virgo:  Sept 16 to Oct 30
Leo:  Aug 10 to Sept 16
Cancer:  July 20 to Aug 10
Gemini June 21 to July 20
Taurus:   May 13 to June 21
Aries:  April 18 to May 13
Pisces:  March 11 to April 18
Aquarius:  Feb 16 to March 11
Capricorn:  Jan 20 to Feb 16


  1. Um. Sorry. I'm still a Libra through and through. Knock me out of balance and see what happens. Go ahead, I dare ya :)

  2. @ Julianna...Libras are great. I wish you luck and I just hope you're okay when you wake up one morning with your shiny new Virgo personality...scary.

  3. I dont wanna be a pisces! I love being a fire sign... maybe that's why all those animals have been dying, like me they hated the switch and decided to just drop dead.

  4. I can never be a Libra! I'm a true blue Scorpio :)

  5. I used to sorta get into the signs but like you, I've gotten over it. On the other hand, I am a cancer so depending on the movements of the moon, I could just as easily float back in. It's all fluid for us. ;)

  6. @ are definitely pure fire and I think you just solved the whole dying animals puzzle. You're my hero!

    @ mice...You sound exactly like my daughter. Definitely a true Scorpio.

    @ careful of that moon, the pull is apparently much stronger that any of us realized.